My money is, for all intents and purposes, gone. It's lasted about half the time I approximated, and although I was frugal, I didn't see the income I estimated from artistic endeavors (thanks in part to the economy, I imagine, and also because of my change in plans). This has left me looking for a job as I wait for the spring semester to begin. It's also left me thinking about the various trajectories my life (and this process of catloging it) has taken. Alternately optimistic and pessimistic, idealistic and practical, sane and insane, constantly paradoxical, but always, I hope, honest.
I now feel I have to address the possibility that my attempt to become a professional artist is a failure. Or a much, much longer adventure than I imagined. On the surface, it would be easy to say I failed, or my heart wasn't in it, or I didn't give it the time and effort it deserved, but when you look closer, it's a lot more complicated.
As my focus shifted towards returning to school, it shifted away from commodifying my art to the degree that it might provide a viable income. I don't mean that I stopped making art, I mean that it became difficult to sustain both endeavors simultaneously, and the aspects of becoming an artist that I found distasteful began to look markedly worse (eg: self-promotion, branding, incorporation, marketing, strategic alliances, etc). I know on a certain level the negative aspects of becoming an artist are present in everyday life as well; we all must, on some level, market, brand, and promote ourselves. But for most of us, it isn't our primary concern unless we're walking into a job interview or trying to pick up a new mate. I felt hesitant right from the start about making it my primary concern and having it overshadow the actual production of my artwork. And I know, I remember writing about schmoozing and navigating this side of the art world as a facet of the true meritocracy that exists, but that didn't mean I had reconciled all my misgivings. I was, and am still, highly uncomfortable with being a businessmen-artist hybrid. Part of me isn't so sure that I want to rely on my business savvy, networking skills, and ability to sell myself for health care, food, and shelter. In simpler terms, I might just be, deep inside, a consistent paycheck kinda guy.
And, as I took a long, hard, honest look at myself and my skill set, I began to realize I was capable of most anything, but an expert in very few fields, if any. Sure, I can screenprint, letterpress, woodwork, etch, bookbind, and hundreds of other things. But am I highly skilled at any of those things? Not really, to be honest. I'm just good at them. I am the consummate jack of all trades, master of none. And the people in those fields who are highly skilled, who are experts, still often find it difficult to make ends meet solely by making non-commercial art. The people who succeed that aren't experts usually do so via their business savvy or sheer dumb luck. We've already covered the business savvy part, so I'll just say I've never been a lucky guy, and this is hardly the time to be waiting for the luck wagon to come around the corner. The idea of becoming an expert in a particular field or a master of a certain skill has always appealed to me, but I've always understood that it isn't something you achieve on your own, but under the guidance of others. This might be one of the only real chances I have to make that happen. I also understand that some of you may be thinking 'a person can be an expert in their own artistic process, in the field of themselves, and no one else can teach them that.' Very true. But I must also admit here that one of the things I admire most in art, of any medium, is craft. Handicraft. Technical skill. Even if it isn't immediately recognizable or the artist has exploded the index of his skill and replaced it with something ostensibly random, I still enjoy teasing out the craft and admiring the skill. This is something I strive for in my own work, and this may also be an opportunity to hone my weaker skills.
Am I selling out my dream to become an artist by returning to the safety of the Institution? I don't think so, because I'm trying to think of it as a necessary step I didn't previously envision. It isn't that I had to go back to school, but when I looked closely at what I wanted, school became something I needed. More clearly: I've envisaged my future, the skills I want to have, the life I want to lead, and returning to school fulfilled that vision more clearly than pursuing professional art full time.
It's my hope that the prerequisite classes I must take, as well as the classes to come in the advanced degree program, will provide me with a far more extensive skill set and knowledge of art history and art media that I can enfold into my own work. It may be pure rationalization, but I'm thinking of this as a prerequisite, another step on my journey towards becoming the artist and the person I want to be.
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